Coming Out of Hiding

Okay so Ben is three months now, and the latest news is that he is glued to Mama like white on rice. He was having these awful screaming jags and was completely impossible to soothe. It would usually start when I would try to get him to take a nap- either holding him, putting him in his crib, or in the swing or bouncer, whatever. Once he would get going, nothing I could do would calm him down. He even lost his little voice from screaming! It was terrible and had me in tears and counting slowly to 20 on more than one occasion. I thought maybe I wasn't getting him out enough, because with a good enough major distraction (Paula Deen's cooking show, or standing on our driveway bouncing) sometimes he would quiet down for a few minutes at a time. So I tried taking him for walks or to people's houses, but it didn't seem to improve his mood on the whole. Sometimes he would cry the whole time, sometimes not.

Then I went to my friend Virginia's house for a playdate (she has twins, Ben and Kylie, who are a month older than our Ben) and she has a couple of exercise balls. That did it, I bought one. I also just completely gave up trying to put him down while he is trying to sleep or sleeping. So here I am, with Ben strapped to my chest, bouncing up and down while I write this. And he has been asleep for like an hour like this. I can't get much done like this (except for shopping- he will cry all the way there, but once in the Moby he will be quiet and happy the whole time). I did awkwardly wrap a present and change out some photos in frames, but obviously can't vacuum or take a shower. I really need to shower, but last night I exchanged shower time for more sleep time, and I'm not sorry!

Anyway, now that he sleeps more at naptime, he sleeps better at night. He cries less the more he is close to me and smiles and talks more. So, at least for the near future, I am building some serious leg and back muscles. Here is a smile to brighten your weekend:

Now, wouldn't you do anything to see that everyday?

Finding My Grip

Ben will be three months old this weekend. It is like a constant, daily work out. I struggle every day past the muscle soreness, fatigue, and self doubt to make it another day as the best mom that I can be. It is a wonderful struggle, like working out. It is so hard to push your body and mind past the protesting and on to higher performance, but it feels incredible when you fall into bed at night feeling like you gave your all to something so worthwhile. Some days he scares me- he cries much longer and harder than I ever thought he would. He sleeps longer during the day than I thought he would. He doesn't calm down when I change his diaper, clean out his nose, swaddle him, jiggle him, shush him, sing to him, rock him, take him outside... and finally he just wears himself out, and I never find the answer. The next day he is like a completely different kid- he smiles, coos, falls asleep with just a little fussing, talks during his diaper changes, and plays without melting down. Then I feel like I know what I'm doing. He is gaining weight, he is healthy, and he sleeps great at night. Overall, I do feel like I am doing my best and accomplishing my goals.

I went on a long six mile walk with a group of mommies. We all have babies within weeks of each other- there are five of us and our babies span in age from 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 months, a really small margin. Three girls and two boys. We have been getting together once a week for awhile now and its very motivating! I can't believe I did that walk, I feel so alive again! Even though I was so exhausted, I feel rejuvinated. Suddenly whatever needs to get done doesn't feel so hard.

Tonight I have a GNO (Girls' Night Out). I am so excited! I am wearing clothes that are frilly and difficult to launder. I am wearing a non-nursing bra. I am wearing heeled boots and will strive NOT to talk about babies. Its going to be great. Oh! Scott is home already, my night has begun!