Friday, June 3, 2011

Cute Cuddly Flaws

If you are a regular reader of this blog, watch out, this is a huge spoiler: I have flaws. Glaring ones. I know, I know, your jaw is in your lap right now. Give yourself a moment to recover. You would have probably found this out sooner or later on your own (if you haven't already) but cheers to getting that out of the way so that you won't smack into it unawares sometime later down the road.

I used to think my flaws were meant to be hidden, pushed under water like baloons. When they finally broke the surface after a struggle, my face would burn and my palms would sweat. I have really found that by ignoring them, they seemed to multiply and become larger in their ambiguity. Due to the hazy nature of my relationships with them, they had more power over me because I could not call them by name. In addition, I lumped in other people's lists of what my flaws were- not questioning, just adopting those lists as my own.

My old self, as I knew her, had these flaws:

1. Clingy
2. Oversensitive
3. Analytical
4. Judgemental
5. Naive
6. Weak in Math, Science and Logic
7. Talkative
8. Unused Potential
9. Not Witty... no wit? nitwit? Are those things related?
10.  Body Flaws- don't get me started...

To name a few. Some of these are my own, some are other people's. Here is how I view this list now:

1. Clingy: also goes by the name High Maintenance. My boyfriends used to throw this one at me when I was younger. Some friends may come by it when they want to spend less time with me and I am still happily in the honeymoon phase. Not so much a problem when you have kids and have less time for everybody, including your partner, but still. I am not clingy. I may be less independent than some, and I feel- to each their own. I do like to spend time alone, I really enjoy that time and crave it. But I love to spend lots of time with my friends and my partner and you know, others don't as much. That's fine. It doesn't have to be better or worse than some other guy who's like "I am a rock, I am an iiiiiiiisland..." You want to be an island? Fine, dude. Don't rain on my love parade, just take your thang somewheres else.
2. Oversensitive: This is a popular one when someone is just plain being mean and doesn't want to 'fess up to it. I am not the person who asks you twenty times whether you are sure you really like me, or if you're just saying that to make me feel better. But I am the person who is going to call you on your hilarious joke about my complete lack of fashion, etiquette, or ability to be a decent human being. Thanks, but I can clearly see that you are trying to dress up mean in funny's clothing. Fail.
3. Analytical: This one I can own. It's a recreational activity for me and some people just hate it. If you hate it, then you'll see it as a flaw of mine. Even worse if I am having a really off day and combine it with the next one on the list. SSSSssssss..... bad, bad. But sometimes, when I'm around others that love it, it is a jam sesh and totally wonderful! So... flaw? Eh, may not be your thing and I'm good with playing whatever you want to play. Unless its in the blog world, then just skip the blogs labeled "Philosophizin'"... cause you'll hate those.
4. Judgemental: Ooo. Sometimes. It's usually inadvertent or a blurty moment. I'm a normal person and I have moments where "what's cool" gets confused in my head with "what's right". It's not good and when I catch it I try to correct it. I want to be a compassionate and open person, and make sure you know that I am aware your life is your own. Period. Not to be controlled by me.
5. Naive: Hm. Could be true of certain subjects. I mean, a lifetime isn't long enough to be seasoned in everything, not even most things. More often I hear this from people who think it equals friendly and optimistic. Not so. I am quite aware of the potential people have to make bad choices. I try to avoid focusing on bad choices, in most situations. In fewer situations, I try to avoid focusing on those that make them often. They have their reasons, but masochism is not my jam.
6. Weak in Math, Science and Logic: I was told this a lot, but it's not true. I was good at math in school, and enjoyed it, but I enjoyed English and Art more, plus that was what I got the most help with at home. I stopped studying math and it became an unused muscle. So yes, it's not my strong suit, but it's not an inate flaw.
7. Talkative: Yep, I looooove to talk! I don't see it as a flaw, this is one from someone else's list. If it's too much for you, I understand that. I don't know, cut back? Try smaller doses? I do try to listen, there is more value in that, really. But it's hard when I'm extra chipper or really fired up.
8. Unused Potential: I heard this a lot in school from my teachers. I had a hard time feeling motivated to get my work done. I understand that more now. I hear a lot from the media that my place in life isn't successful. I don't use my degree to make money and I stay home with my child. Blessed, but not impressive. I choose to view my life and what I do as a huge success. First, because it is an incredible challenge. Second, because it makes me unbelievably happy.
9. Not Witty: Geez, if I can't make you laugh, that is a huge bummer. But ya, maybe you prefer more cynical humor, or slapstick comedy (can't fall on my face over a blog... well, maybe if I figured out how to imbed video...) that's fine. I'm fine with it. I crack myself up and that is enough. Plus, every time someone tells me I am funny, I try to hear that instead. I am funny to them. Awesome.
10. Body Flaws: Oh, wow, I know everyone has a list! Mine started getting smaller the day I stopped blaming my body and started blaming myself for not taking good enough care of it. My body is doing it's best. Now, I believe that I can achieve most of the things I want (defined abs?) but I don't want to put in the time. So, I let it go. At least for now. Plus, there are things that don't make it on the front of magazines- a face covered in freckles, for example? But I saw a dermatologist last week who called my skin "perfect". Ahem, what? Clearly I am paying her enough...

My mission in this all-zits-revealed post is to send you this message, from me to you: if there is something other people don't like about you, don't just add it to your list. I did that, mostly without thinking, for a long time. I'm done with it. Look at the whole picture. Maybe you needed that trait to grow, protect yourself, cope with a hardship, or whatever. Be gentle and understanding. If you no longer need it, work on letting it go, but if it's something that is fine with you- go find someone that appreciates it. I promise you, there are a ton of people packed into this little world, and you are somebody's jam. Don't hang around letting someone else tell you what to add and trim. You're the only one that has to live in there, after all. Let it be a place you want to be.
Lots of Love.

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