Finding My Grip

Ben will be three months old this weekend. It is like a constant, daily work out. I struggle every day past the muscle soreness, fatigue, and self doubt to make it another day as the best mom that I can be. It is a wonderful struggle, like working out. It is so hard to push your body and mind past the protesting and on to higher performance, but it feels incredible when you fall into bed at night feeling like you gave your all to something so worthwhile. Some days he scares me- he cries much longer and harder than I ever thought he would. He sleeps longer during the day than I thought he would. He doesn't calm down when I change his diaper, clean out his nose, swaddle him, jiggle him, shush him, sing to him, rock him, take him outside... and finally he just wears himself out, and I never find the answer. The next day he is like a completely different kid- he smiles, coos, falls asleep with just a little fussing, talks during his diaper changes, and plays without melting down. Then I feel like I know what I'm doing. He is gaining weight, he is healthy, and he sleeps great at night. Overall, I do feel like I am doing my best and accomplishing my goals.

I went on a long six mile walk with a group of mommies. We all have babies within weeks of each other- there are five of us and our babies span in age from 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 months, a really small margin. Three girls and two boys. We have been getting together once a week for awhile now and its very motivating! I can't believe I did that walk, I feel so alive again! Even though I was so exhausted, I feel rejuvinated. Suddenly whatever needs to get done doesn't feel so hard.

Tonight I have a GNO (Girls' Night Out). I am so excited! I am wearing clothes that are frilly and difficult to launder. I am wearing a non-nursing bra. I am wearing heeled boots and will strive NOT to talk about babies. Its going to be great. Oh! Scott is home already, my night has begun!