Dear Ben

Dear Ben,

   Saturday night we left you with a babysitter for the first time. When we got home she said you had some trouble going down to sleep. You woke up to the sound of the garage door and I went running up to get you. I love spending time with your Daddy but I missed singing to you and tucking you in. It was wonderful to feel you melt against me and relax to the sound of my voice. You went instantly to sleep and stayed peacefully quiet in your bed until morning.

  You laugh little hiccup laughs when Daddy lets you touch his hair. He shakes his head around and you think this is so funny. When you two nap together your straight wispy hair goes all different ways for the rest of the day, like the spokes on a bicycle wheel. You say Da-Da-Da all day long and forget how to say Mama.

 You know just what to do with each of your toys, but you never seem to get tired of them anymore. The ring stacker is for chewing, the rings are for drumming your drum, and the shape shorter is for launching little plastic squares and triangles under the couches where Mama can't reach them. When I pick one up and tell you it's purple, you look joyous and flap your little arms.

 You still love it when I sing to you and you immediately look around to find my eyes with yours. Your face is complete fascination and seriousness. And you want to take my lips off, but you're getting better about that.

  You talk to us all day long. I wish I could memorize all the funny sounds you make and the sound of your sweet baby voice. We have short, one-syllable conversations. I try to pretend you are actually speaking English.

 I know you are supposed to be learning things like cruising and scooting, but it still looks like the seventh world wonder when you start doing something new. It always feels so sudden.

 I wish I could explain how excited you get about grown-up food. When we let you have bites from our plate, or make you your own plate, you just go absolutely crazy with enthusiasm. Burritos are your favorite. When you take a bite you almost close your eyes in ecstasy. I can't help but let out a laugh every time. Your looks of deep appreciation are enjoyable, too.

 I hope that heaven will be a place where I can come back and visit these moments of your life when I want to, forever. To be warm cheek to super-soft cheek with my baby boy, feel your head roll heavy on my shoulder and hear your baby breaths whenever I choose.

Heaven.